Around this time last year, I was in the throes of navigating a conflict of moral values with a dear friend. The process was one of painful reflection and growth and I thought that perhaps some of my discoveries along the way might prove useful to others who find themselves in similar rocky situations. 

Insight #1: “Live and let live” only works to a point.
In my recent experience, the point of no return was when my friend started actively living in spiritual disorder. It was one thing to know she believed in and supported this disorder. After all, this errant belief wasn’t her entire identity, and we had lots in common outside this realm of friction. That’s why the friendship worked as long as it did. But when she embraced this disorder and it became an active part of her daily life, then I knew something had to change. 

Insight #2: Healthy boundaries begin and end with safety.
I had to reflect long and hard on the extent to which I could express my abiding care and respect for this friend while not condoning lifestyle choices that I believe are in spiritual disorder. Similarly, she had to express her own boundaries, given my opposing beliefs. In other words, we both needed to feel safe in our relationship. In order to do that, we had to accept each other’s boundaries. We ultimately realized that this wasn’t possible and that the friendship had run its course. Wishing this friend farewell was the right thing to do given the circumstances, and it was also one of the hardest things I have ever willingly chosen to do.

Insight #3: I can only control my choices and reactions.
I had to let go of this person’s reactions to my stating my boundaries. I had no control over her feelings or her choices. I only had control over mine. Letting go of her responses to my boundaries was a really arduous process. After all, I like being liked. It tore me up thinking that someone I held dear might hold my values in contempt. In this process, I developed a nasty tendency to fabricate imaginary “what if” conversations and scenarios in which I spoke for both myself and my friend. Doing that is just a tangled up terrible idea. I can’t predict the reactions of others. I can’t control their reactions either. I have to let the “what ifs” go and hold firm to my truth, as lovingly as I can.

Insight #4: Where moral principles are concerned, honesty is okay even if it hurts.
One of the hardest things about defining and then communicating my moral boundaries was that it resulted in hurting someone I care about very much. A distaste for conflict and a fear of forever altering (and ultimately damaging) a relationship I had cherished, meant that it took me an embarrassingly long time to stand up for my beliefs. Drawing it out like that led to my friend feeling betrayed. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I wish I had spoken up sooner, but the hells really like to use pain as a weapon. They wanted to make me feel guilty for causing pain. They also wanted me to fear feeling pain. But spiritual growth and boundary-setting can and will be painful sometimes. Pain doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I regret that I may have deepened the pain by waiting so long to set my boundaries, but I don’t regret setting them. 

Insight #5: Balancing compassion and zeal is crucial.
Of course, it’s important to set boundaries as compassionately and respectfully as possible. It isn’t wrong to care about hurting another person’s feelings. We are supposed to care! But, as I navigated this difficult situation with my friend, I found myself slipping so far into guilt and worry about her reactions, that I nearly forgot why I was setting these boundaries in the first place. Something I love, something I believe the Lord tells us is right and good, was being violated. It was right to stand up for it. I could honor her free will to reject what I believe, but I had to put just as much, if not more energy into remembering why I’ve chosen to uphold this belief. 

Insight #6: Pray, accept your choice, and move on.
Dealing with this moral conflict was a huge growing experience for me. I had to pray a lot, asking the Lord for guidance on what to say and for confidence that I was doing the right thing, even if it was hard. I did not handle this situation perfectly. But I can confidently say that I did my best to follow the Lord’s teachings. That’s as much as I can ask of myself or of anyone. After that, I had to pray for the willingness to hand the situation over to the Lord and move forward on my own spiritual journey. I trust that my friend, like all human beings, is in His loving hands. I don’t have to carry this burden anymore. He’s got it. 

“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to councils and scourge you in their synagogues. You will be brought before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles. But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you.

Now brother will deliver up brother to death, and a father his child; and children will rise up against parents and cause them to be put to death. And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in this city, flee to another. For assuredly, I say to you, you will not have gone through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes.

A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for a disciple that he be like his teacher, and a servant like his master. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more will they call those of his household! Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known.

Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

Matthew 10:16-31