Wondering. I am not sure what I have to give, but I believe it will unfold as I ease into these keys. I do know with some certainty a few lovely things about you and me. I know you are reading my words, and that you can pause whenever you like. I know we are under the same sky as every one else on earth, breathing the same air and full of life. And I know that you are beautiful.
I believe that you are completely loved, and that you have a unique perspective and vision of your very own. I also believe that you have a large collage of feelings that range from joy and pleasure to deep sadness and confusion. I believe that we are very similar.
Right now I am multitasking, always. I believe we women do this in our sleep. Occasionally I wake from a dream and find that I had accomplished some of the tasks I gave myself the day before, I even found something I had lost. But I wake up and it was only a dream. So I begin to navigate through my day.
As I go about my tasks I come into unwanted thoughts and feelings. I feel foolish and not good enough or judgmental. I also feel a deep longing for connection and clarity. Sometimes I feel inspired and hopeful. But no matter what I am experiencing there is almost always a feeling of being overwhelmed. Who is in charge here? I can not possibly feel and think and do all that is asked of me, it is too big.
When I am in a desperate or exhausted state, or keenly aware of the internal critic and trying to control every inch of my life, I pray. I speak to my Creator. “Help.” Sometimes my prayer is just a quick plea, a pause or a curse word. I am not asking for things to be awesome or perfect, I just pray for help.
I was given some beautiful advice when I was very pregnant with my first child. “Think of all the other women who have given birth before.” I did this while I was in labor. It was so valuable. Now I think of this advice, but in a new way. I say “Think of all the millions of women who have done this, and who are doing it right now.” Then I am instantly connected to you all.
I ask myself to remember all of you when I carry on with my day. You are doing this life too. And it edges me toward calm, and settles my nerves. I ease my way back to my own size and open a space where love and connection can enter and the feeling of being overwhelmed ebbs away.
It is the help I was praying for.