Wondering. I am not sure what I have to give, but I believe it will unfold as I ease into these keys. I do know with some certainty a few lovely things about you and me. I know you are reading my words, and that you can pause whenever you like. I know we are under the same sky as every one else on earth, breathing the same air and full of life. And I know that you are beautiful.
I believe that you are completely loved, and that you have a unique perspective and vision of your very own. I also believe that you have a large collage of feelings that range from joy and pleasure to deep sadness and confusion. I believe that we are very similar.
Right now I am multitasking, always. I believe we women do this in our sleep. Occasionally I wake from a dream and find that I had accomplished some of the tasks I gave myself the day before, I even found something I had lost. But I wake up and it was only a dream. So I begin to navigate through my day.
As I go about my tasks I come into unwanted thoughts and feelings. I feel foolish and not good enough or judgmental. I also feel a deep longing for connection and clarity. Sometimes I feel inspired and hopeful. But no matter what I am experiencing there is almost always a feeling of being overwhelmed. Who is in charge here? I can not possibly feel and think and do all that is asked of me, it is too big.
When I am in a desperate or exhausted state, or keenly aware of the internal critic and trying to control every inch of my life, I pray. I speak to my Creator. “Help.” Sometimes my prayer is just a quick plea, a pause or a curse word. I am not asking for things to be awesome or perfect, I just pray for help.
I was given some beautiful advice when I was very pregnant with my first child. “Think of all the other women who have given birth before.” I did this while I was in labor. It was so valuable. Now I think of this advice, but in a new way. I say “Think of all the millions of women who have done this, and who are doing it right now.” Then I am instantly connected to you all.
I ask myself to remember all of you when I carry on with my day. You are doing this life too. And it edges me toward calm, and settles my nerves. I ease my way back to my own size and open a space where love and connection can enter and the feeling of being overwhelmed ebbs away.
It is the help I was praying for.
Thanks for these refreshing words, Denielle. Thanks for the reminder, to think of all the women who have ‘done this’ before me. (-And thanks for reassuring me that I’m not the only one dealing with those feelings of foolishness and inadequacy, sometimes!) Thanks. xx
Beautifully written! I, too, often wake up having completed things on my to-do list in my dreams. So glad I’m not alone – in any of this…
I love the connectedness that you’re talking about. Last week I was on two long international flights with my husband and three kids. It can feel like this sometimes even in normal life, but in a more focused way while on these flights and surrounded by strangers all doing their own individual things, I felt alone and helpless at times. It is so strange to be in a contained space with a group of people and feel so separated. I felt on display, but not supported. There was a dad and his sons on our flight who had spoken with us a bit during the flight and been very friendly, and helped me feel a little connected but I still didn’t think of asking them for help. When it was time to get off the plane and there were only two of us with three sleeping kids the dad offered to help carry kids off the plane. All the separation was gone and we were with other people who were there and with us and aware of us and helping us. It was an amazing experience of feeling cared for, and a great reminder to me of all the ways we are connected to other people.
Thank you for your letter to us. I am so touched by your strength in bringing beauty and peace to your little ones, showing them how to truly trust the Lord. Thank you for the inspiration today.
‘From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.’ (Ps 61)
I love your writing, Denielle! The quote: “Think of all the millions of women who have done this, and who are doing it right now”- This is one I want to put in my back pocket to pull out when a day is overwhelming! Wonderful to remember that whatever we going through, even if we feel alone, we are not! I was talking with some friends about miscarriage earlier this month. It seems to fall in the category of something that many many women have been through, but we just don’t talk about. Let’s all try to remember that it’s always the right time to talk to someone- and chances are, they’ve felt or known someone who has felt the same way. 🙂
Catherine, you are so right. Often we feel isolated but it is just a fools trick and the truth is that we are not alone. So many others have felt the feelings we go though and have loss and longings that are similar to our own. It is such a blessing when we find others who we can talk to and relate with about deep personal issues and gain strength and warmth from that connection. When I was a young woman I had such a small understanding of how many women have miscarriages. It is both sad and comforting to talk about. Thanks for reminding me of the power of reaching out.